What's Past Is Prologue

Things That Are More Popular than the United States Congress

• A cactus enema
• Communism
• Fascism
• Nazism
• Communazifemisocialecobuddhism
• The works of Stephenie Meyer
• The works of E.L. James
• The weird fanfiction that pairs Edward Cullen with that vampire from Fifty Shades of Grey
• The weird fanfiction that pairs Stephenie Meyer with E.L. James
• The fact that there is a city named Forty Fort, Pennsylvania
• A second cactus enema
• MySpace
• Facebook’s IPO
• MySpace’s IPO
• The Office but without Michael Scott and with lots of James Spader and Will Ferrell’s characters
• Whitney but with everything exactly the same
• Asif Ali Zardari and Hamid Karzai dancing to “Single Ladies” even though that song came out in, like, 2008 and does anyone who has”Single Ladies” on their iTunes know who Zardari and Karzai are, because they’re not even all that sure.
• The Heckscher-Ohlin model of general equilibrium
• Singalongs with the Westboro Baptist Church
• Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall
• A third cactus enema

2% of Americans think Mitt Romney’s first name is “Mittens.” Another 2% think it is “Gromit.”

All told, that is 12 million Americans who think “Mittens Romney” or “Gromit Romney” is a name.

I’ve decided to become a corporation.

Why?

• Still a person.
• Can donate as much money as I want to political campaigns.
• Can get whatever laws I want passed.
• 100% of the government cares about protecting my rights, as opposed to just the Democrats.
• No taxes!
• Don’t have to worry about committing heinous crimes, I’ll get off with a slap on the wrist and a wink and a nudge.
• On that note, I can’t be executed.
• 5/9ths of the Supreme Court will love me.